Adjustment
by Lalalalelele
Summary: This story takes places in the 34th turn of the 9th pass. What happens when Jaxom's youngest son, Shawan, Impresses?
1. Questions and Answers

**My (surely unnecessary) disclaimer: I do not own many of these characters, or the world they inhabit, but to my knowledge, the situation and story is my own. It is not intended as A/U, so any discrepancy is my fault in research.**

_Present (9__th__) Pass, 34__th__ Turn, early spring_

_Hatching day at Fort Weyr_

Lord Jaxom looked out at the Fort Weyr hatching grounds, his wife, lady Sharra, seated next to him, squeezed his hand. On the other side of Jaxom, sat his elder son, Jarrol, now a dignified age of sixteen. Jaxom noticed how neatly he hid his jealousy, which would have been imperceptible to anyone but his parents. Sensing he needed comfort, Sharra turned to her son and gave a cheerful smile.

_Young Shawan will impress well_ came the familiar voice of Ruth. Jaxom turned to share the comment with his wife, but her smile indicated that the thought had not been private.

Jaxom looked out amongst the crowd, surveying the guest to Fort Weyr's Hatching. He caught the attention of F'lar and Lessa, who waved congratulations to him. They were not required to attend, but a former Benden rider had flown the junior queen who had clutched the eggs before them. He smiled back, knowing that Lessa would be proud; the Ruathan bloodline was strong when it came to Impressing dragons. Jaxom only wished his former warder Lytol had accepted his invitation.

_He remembers Larth_, Ruth interrupted kindly. It was true, especially now that Lytol was getting on in years, the memories of those he had lost haunted him more strongly than in recent decades.

_It begins!_ Ruth's exuberance was echoed by all the dragons present and the humming began. Sharra grabbed tight to her husband's arm as they watched Shawan enter the Hatching Grounds with the other candidates. Jaxom approved of the number of women being presented for greens—it certainly helped ease tension for the browns and bronzes not able to catch queens. He beamed proudly at his son. At only fourteen turns, he stood tall and proud, his dark hair and features regal—he certainly held himself as the son of a Lord Holder. But, Jaxom corrected himself, he would no longer be a Holder if today went as hoped. Shawan would not be allowed, as Jaxom had been, to Hold. No, Shawan, if he Impressed, would be Weyrfolk, at least until the end of the Pass. While it was becoming more common to establish weyr-holds, it had been decided by all involved that Shawan would remain at Fort Weyr. There was no longer much opposition to Jaxom's curious situation, as he had managed to gain respect that came with turns and heroic efforts, but they thought it best not to push luck. It was a little risky to leave himself with only one capable heir, as their little daughter, Shanom, was scarcely two turns old and the last child that Sharra would be able to bear him. Not that he minded. He loved his wife and the three children she bore him. Besides, Jarrol would be a wonderful Lord Holder when the time came.

The first egg hatched! A bronze! He went straight for a small Istan lad. There would be others, Jaxom reminded himself. A few greens hatched, two attaching to a couple of craftbred lads, one to a weyrbred girl, known in the Weyr for her proclivities. More dragons hatched and still Shawan remained unattached.

A valiant blue sprung forth from his shell. Some boys looked eagerly towards the dragonet, but his mind had been made.

"He says his name is Renath!" Shawan's jubilant cry echoed loudly to the crowd. Jaxom's eyes filled with tears and he and Ruth shared the joyous memory of their togetherness. Sharra hugged him fiercely, relief and joy rippling through her body. Jarrol managed to smile, but there was a puzzling look in his eyes. Once the initial wave of elation passed, Jaxom too had this question. His heart sank a little at the possible implications. Why not a brown or a bronze for his son?

_All dragons have their place_. Ruth sounded a bit hurt, not understanding the nature of Jaxom's distress. _Of course they do, love. I'm just being silly_, he said to placate Ruth as much to convince himself. Was he being silly? Even though the boy was a mere fourteen turns, he'd never expressed much interest in the Holder girls, even if _their_ interest had been abundant. Jaxom stood up, as did his family, and they made their way down into the dining cavern. N'ton found them.

"Congratulations! I knew Shawan—I wonder how he will fashion himself now?—would Impress." Since Jaxom found himself still speechless, Sharra covered quickly.

"Thank you! We are most pleased. We thought he'd Impress, Ruathan blood and all."

N'ton eyed Jaxom quizzically, then realizing his underlying questions and discomfort at the likely answers, N'ton smiled at the Lord Holder. Being craftbred, he understood, even if he no longer carried those prejudices. Oh well, thought N'ton, likely better the weyr than the hold for young Shawan, as it were.

"I must take my leave of you, but again, my congratulations to your son," N'ton concluded before he made his way to the other families.

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S'wan, as he now fashioned himself, couldn't believe his immense luck. He eyed his beloved dragonet, Renath, with incredulous love and loyalty. Renath butted S'wan's legs.

_I'm so very hungry! I _must_ eat!_ S'wan couldn't help but laugh at the tone of his beloved Renath. He looked around for some indication for what he was to do and he noticed N'ton walking over to him. The Weyrleader smiled brightly.

"Congratulations…" The Weyrleader waited for the boy to supply his new name.

"S'wan."

"Well then, congratulations to Renath and you, S'wan, formerly of Ruatha Hold, now of Fort Weyr!"

"Thank you, N'ton. I'm sorry to ask you, but Renath is so very hungry…"

"Follow me."

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Later that night, back at Ruatha, Jaxom couldn't help notice Sharra was unusually distant. He had been congratulatory towards Shawan—S'wan, he reminded himself, hiding any feelings of regret. Ruth?

_Talk to her._ Jaxom wrapped his arms around his wife from behind and she resisted for a moment, then sighing, settled in.

"Dear heart, what is the matter?" Jaxom asked his beloved. He wondered if she felt the same discomfort at their discovery. _Possible_ discovery, he reminded himself.

"Nothing is the matter, Jaxom. That is all. Absolutely nothing is the matter. Why don't you go down to Cove Hold tomorrow and speak with Lytol? He may be the best person to speak to on the issue, if it is even appropriate to label it as such. I, for one, love, am relieved. He will fit in in the weyr far better than he ever could in Ruatha. And no, Jaxom, I don't mean that as you think I do. He was never interested in Hold matters! It is a blessing! Our son, a dragonrider!"

Ruth trumpeted his agreement from his weyr. Jaxom thanked his wife the best way he knew how.

_The Next Day…._

Shards! S'wan thought, as he woke with a start. Where was he? This was not his bed! This was not his home!

_I'm hungry_ came the young voice into his head and all the feelings from the day before flooded back into S'wan, who found himself a bit choked up. S'wan dressed quickly, smiling to himself that his parents had known exactly the sort of clothing he'd need for his new life. Ready for hard work in the care of Renath, S'wan was surprised to find a bucked of meat already chopped up, waiting for him, outside the barracks. He hadn't expected another reprise from the hard work of care he was so ready to perform. The weyrlingmaster found him. P'rem was a tall man with a kind face, imposing, but trust inspiring.

"Go get some breakfast, lad. After that, the work begins. Renath looks ready for a nap. Send him to it." And with that, P'rem took his leave.

S'wan found it refreshing that no one in the Weyr treated him differently because of his rank. Former rank, he supposed. For now he was S'wan of Fort Weyr, rider of blue Renath! He had never much enjoyed the way people deferred to him, how he felt different playing with the other children, the things that were expected of him. He had of course, accepted his place, knowing he was very lucky and performed the duties expected of him. He had trained with Jarrol, in the ways of running a Hold, but had always secretly hoped he'd be Searched out, found worthy by the dragons. He'd always felt he had a special relationship to Ruth; for all that he was his father's dragon. Ruth had always taken to him more than he had to his elder brother. When the brown dragon had come to take him that day not too long ago, S'wan couldn't honestly say he was too surprised, but that didn't lessen the sense of joy and relief.

In the dining cavern, S'wan helped himself to some klah and porridge and sat down at a bench by himself. He hoped he'd make some friends soon and that the lack of interest in his parentage would continue. A youth, who seemed to be about his age, came and sat down across from him. He introduced himself as T'pin.

"My family're in Tillek, fishercraft. My green's Amanath. What's yer name?"

S'wan smiled at T'pin. He was unusual looking, but not, he supposed, unattractive. His hair was a dark blonde, his eyes a rich brown, and his skin caramel from years in the sea and sun.

"I'm S'wan and Renath's my blue." He responded, tentative.

"Where're you from, S'wan?" T'pin's eyes danced with deep warmth.

"Ruatha." T'pin's eyes widened as he realized who S'wan was, but he quickly recovered.

"C'mon S'wan, let's go get started on the carving." S'wan quickly followed, appreciative that his new friend did not make any comment on S'wan's former rank.

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"Hello Jaxom! I hear congratulations are in order!" Lytol greeted him far more brightly than Jaxom had expected. He wondered if Ruth had warned his former warder of Jaxom's trepidation. The look on Lytol's face as he approached Jaxom indicated he had.

As they had settled into the dining area with klah and some meatrolls, they began a true conversation.

"Sharra thinks it would be good for me to talk to you. I am having difficulty adjusting to this revelation," Jaxom managed to say to his former guardian.

"Possible, and yes, likely, revelation, Jaxom. I understand the difficulty of the…adjustment, but as I am sure Sharra has pointed out to you, his life will be much easier in the Weyr. If it is true, the Weyr is best for him. In any case, as a dragonrider, he's no longer under obligation to bear you more bloodkinn, so you really should take little interest in the matter. The boy himself may not be aware of the implications or his own preferences. He is still a young boy, if you wonder why he did not confide in you or display such proclivities" Lytol searched his former ward's face carefully, hoping that his words would sink in. More for Jaxom's sake than the boy's. Now that young S'wan belonged to the Weyr, the former relationship between parent and son would change regardless of color of dragon Impressed.

"Thank you, Lytol. You are correct. I will stop my foolishness and focus on the positive. It is an adjustment, but he is healthy, happy, and a dragonrider!" And with that, Jaxom worried no more on the issue.

_PP 34__th__ Turn, Mid-Summer, Fort Weyr_

S'wan sat amongst a group of weyrlings whose dragons had finally settled to nap after a long afternoon of butchering, feeding, and oiling. He enjoyed the hard work in the beautiful summer weather. Besides, there was nothing more satisfying than caring for Renath, who had saved him from a lifetime of unhappiness. A lifetime of looking after holders and counting numbers of runnerbeasts.

"Lost in thought, S'wan?" T'pin grinned widely at his friend. S'wan shook himself out of his reverie and smiled back. Telesa and Lelaini exchanged glances and grinned. The two greenriders were weyrbred and slightly older than the other weyrlings. S'wan caught the look, but couldn't quite decipher it, so he let it go. He became lost in his thoughts again, until—

"Stop it! I mean it, M'gen!" M'gen had poured water over G'rome's head. The two bronzeriders were already notorious for their mischief. S'wan laughed at their antics; he usually did. He wondered, sometimes, though, if the ease with which all the weyrlings, green, blue, brown, and bronze interacted would dissipate as they got older. He noticed in the eating cavern that green and blue tended to be separate from the others. He didn't want it to. After years of not knowing it could exist, he so desperately wanted to cling to this newfound egalitarianism.

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That night, in the barracks, S'wan found himself alone with T'pin.

"You're always so lost in thought, S'wan. What goes on in that brain of yours?" T'pin's question was kind, yet S'wan wasn't sure how to answer or if he wanted too. Unexpectedly, S'wan began to cry. Whether they were for happiness or sadness, or some sense of catharsis, he wasn't sure. Renath's eyes whirled in anxiety. T'pin was anxious too, he seemed unsure whether his friend wanted comfort or to be alone. His solution was a balance. He stayed in the room, quiet, until S'wan was calm again.

_Later that week…_

S'wan came upon T'pin as he was oiling Amanath by the lake. He was nervous and the light breeze whirling around him did not help him feel any steadier on his feet. He didn't know what he wanted to say, only that he needed to put some sort of voice to the unformed thoughts floating in and around his mind. T'pin seemed a likely candidate to listen. Even still, he didn't know where to begin. He cleared his throat to indicate his presence.

"Oh, hello there, S'wan. What's up?" T'pin slightly cocked his head to signify he was listening, even if he was intently oiling his beloved green.

"Shards, I don't know where to start. About the other night…I'm sorry. That was so embarrassing, but you were so kind. I'm lucky to have you as a friend. I—shards, T'pin—I don't know what's wrong. Ever since I Impressed Renath, nothing feels the same anymore…" he trailed off.

"Should it?" S'wan didn't catch his meaning. "I mean, should it feel the same? Our beautiful dragonets have changed everything."

"I know _that_, T'pin. It's just…I'm so happy, here, at Fort with Renath. I've never felt happy before! I didn't know—I just didn't know—that this is what was missing. I didn't know I could be this happy, just being."

_PP 34__th__ Turn, Late Autumn, Fort Weyr_

"Since you are to begin flying soon, " P'rem began, "it is important that we work on slathering numbweed. Yes, I know all of you know how to do this. You've been doing this every Fall for the near year that you've been here. But, I will emphasize this: It is quite different when it is your dragon: You will be expending your energies calming your dragon, telling him or her that they are the best dragon there ever was. Everything you can to keep them _here_. So, you will learn how to put numbweed on the wound and care for the wound so well it will become second nature!" S'wan didn't want to about the possibility of harm coming to him or his beloved Renath, but he realized, better to be prepared than sorry later. It will be so good to fly, he thought. He realized it'd been a long while since he'd seen his family and he missed them. Jaxom and Ruth had come by occasionally, but he'd seen his mother and his brother only once since he'd Impressed young Renath. S'wan wasn't sure why, but ever since he'd Impressed, his father had been oddly distant. He could tell his father was trying to hide it. He was cordial enough, but there wasn't the same ease. Then again, S'wan felt similarly distant towards Jaxom now that Renath was his life.

"Lost in thought again, S'wan? Not a good sign. Let me see that "wound"," P'rem startled S'wan out of his thoughts. He really did need to start paying more attention if he wanted nothing to happen to his dear Renath. Several dragonlengths away he heard a stifled laugh and knew it could belong to no other than T'pin.

_PP 35__th__ Turn, Late Spring, Fort Weyr_

Excitement knotted in the pit of S'wan's stomach. It was his sixteenth birthing day! He hadn't remembered being so excited for a birthing day since he was a small boy. He laughed as Renath told him he didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Draconic logic was very matter-of-fact. He didn't quite know what to expect from this day, but a great anticipation lingered.

T'pin had arranged a small party in his weyr for the occasion. Having turned sixteen himself a few months earlier, he'd moved already moved out of the barracks. Telesa and Lelaini were in attendance, as well as a few other green and blue riders from their class. Noticeably absent, however, were M'gen and G'rome. As he'd fervently hoped it wouldn't, the separation of rank had come into play among his weyrling class. He knew the browns and bronzes would be leading them in battle, but he didn't quite understand why that meant their friendships must end. He willed himself to not dwell on such things and enjoy the party instead.

"I was able to knick a few sweet pastries from the kitchens," T'pin told S'wan impishly. S'wan laughed heartily at his friend's behavior.

Later, when T'pin presented him with new riding straps he'd fashioned himself, S'wan embraced his friend. Again, Telesa and Lelaini exchanged glances.

_PP 35__th__ Turn Late Autumn, Ruatha Hold_

Renath and S'wan burst out from _between _over Ruatha hold. It gave S'wan immense pleasure to share his childhood home with Renath. Fort wasn't far from Ruatha, but he hadn't had the time yet to return—until now. He was riding in his first Fall in two days time and thought it would be wise to pay a visit to his dear mother beforehand. He was glad he'd turned sixteen several months ago. He thought himself lucky, otherwise, he'd be waiting, trained, unable to fight. Sharra ran out to greet her son, she'd seen him only once in the over turn and a half since he'd Impressed Renath. As soon as he dismounted—and not a moment later, she wrapped him in a warm embrace.

"Come in from the cold. Hello Renath! Sh-S'wan, you may tell him that he may join Ruth in his weyr." Renath happily trotted off to join the other dragon, while S'wan trotted along after his mother. Once inside, she gave him another quick hug before she led him into the family's private quarters. He was surprised to find his little sister, Shanom, able to speak now and Jarrol even more assured in his authority and position.

"Your father apologizes for not being here. He had to attend to some Hold business. Apparently, some of our runnerbeasts are being smuggled down South. But, nothing Jaxom can't take care of, I'm sure. He thought it best to go by land, so as to be more discreet, which is why Ruth has stayed behind," She smiled at her son. He nodded, never more relieved to be a dragonrider. The menace of thread seemed far less daunting than the task of managing a Hold.

"How is young Renath?" Jarrol asked, eyeing his brother thoughtfully. Like so many times before, S'wan thought he caught a double meaning in his brother's tone, but couldn't decipher the secondary.

"He flies well. In two days time, together, we will meet thread!" It brought S'wan great joy to contribute in a way that was helpful and gave him joy. Their first Fall, fittingly, was to be over Ruatha. Jarrol nodded. He continued:

"Brother, will you be able to attend my wedding? It's early yet, as we've set the date for springtime, but..." Sharra beamed and S'wan was taken aback. It was the first he'd heard of his brother's upcoming nuptials. He hadn't known his brother to be attached.

"And who is the lucky lady?" He asked politely, rather than expressing his outrage and hurt at only now being aware of the matter. He truly was no longer a part of this family. It would have taken mere moments to send message either through Ruth or even a fire lizard, but he had not ranked important enough.

"Larad's youngest daughter, Nabomi," he said, pride in his voice.

"It is a very good match," Sharra nodded. She had been relieved that the two had truly attached, because it was necessary that Jarrol marry well, but she had not wanted him to sacrifice happiness for strategy.

"I believe congratulations are in order, brother!"

Jarrol thanked his brother and again silence fell, all wondering S'wan had formed any attachments of his own.

_Back at Fort Weyr…_

S'wan was distraught when he returned to his weyr that night. Everything felt strange and unfamiliar again. It didn't help that he had scarcely just moved into his new quarters. He wasn't sure why he was so unsettled. He laughed at himself and how often he didn't understand his own feelings. His thoughts drifted to his brother's upcoming marriage. If he had not been a dragonrider, would he soon have been planning his _own_ nuptials?

_But you _are _a dragonrider_ was Renath's reassuring remark. Yes, S'wan guessed, it was that simple. _T'pin_ _comes. He is upset_.

S'wan wondered what could be upsetting his friend. He hadn't seen him much of late; they'd been so busy training. Ah, that was probably it, T'pin was nervous about threadfall.

"S'wan?" It was T'pin, but his voice was unsure, smaller than S'wan had ever heard it. He walked in and S'wan could see the visible signs of distress.

"What's wrong?" his voice was deep with concern, he ushered T'pin to sit down in a chair, but he shook his head in refusal.

"I think," he began then stopped. S'wan smiled encouragingly. He began again, "I think that my Amanath is going to rise soon. She hasn't, before, you know…" he trailed off, waiting for, hoping S'wan would say _something_. S'wan didn't know what to say, didn't know what T'pin wanted him to say.

"Well, I'm sure you could make arrangements if there's some girl you'd—" S'wan stupidly broke the silence.

"There isn't any _girl_, S'wan! I thought you'd've known that." His voice cracked. T'pin swallowed hard, fighting back the tears that wanted to spring forth.

"What is, T'pin?" S'wan asked in a soft voice, a voice he didn't recognize. T'pin shook his head and ran from the room. Proddy green! S'wan cursed. He wanted so badly to run after him. Her cursed his upbringing, the news of his brother's nuptials—all that kept him from running after T'pin, from answering his questions, from comforting T'pin the way he—they—needed to be comforted.

_I will fly Amanath_.

Sleep did not come easy to S'wan that night. Tears, however, did.

_The Next Morning…_

S'wan woke up the morning before the day of his first Fall, quite easily, even though he had not slept until deep into the morning hours. He was starving; all his senses were awake. He wondered…

_Amanath rises!_

He no longer required food. He had Renath take him down to the rooms kept for this use and he waited. Slowly, then quickly, he felt himself become his dragon. This inevitable moment he'd been fighting was here. He was ready. His voracious appetite no longer requiring sating from food, transferred into a primal lust. His body ached with it. _He, Renath would outfly the other blues_. S'wan was not aware of twelve other riders in the room with him. There was only Amanath, only the thrill of chasing her. _He would catch her! He was hers!_ Amanath flirted with her blues, preening for them. She knew they could not reach her! For she was Amanath! Renath was closing in. Amanath made the mistake of looking back at Renath and that was when he caught her. Relief washed over S'wan's body.

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Hours later, back in his own body, S'wan looked over at T'pin, next to him in the bed. He was dozing, but had the most serene smile on his face. S'wan didn't really want to wake him, but he felt he owed some sort of explanation. He sweetly brushed his hair from his eyes, and T'pin stirred. He opened his eyes and smiled at S'wan.

"T'pin, I-"

"S'wan, you don't need to say anything. I understand. I'm craftbred, remember?"

S'wan smiled and chuckled a bit, then he nodded. He thought perhaps that a kiss might say everything he needed to. There was no hesitation. S'wan finally understood. He saw the bigger picture. The questions that his family's eyes begged, his own thoughts for which he had no answer to, none of them matter. His rank, his former rank, none of it was important. His place in the world was just this. Was it really that easy? He was S'wan, rider of Renath! There was no other explanation needed. There was no other answer to the questions.


	2. Fall

**A/N: Hey Hey! I know this chapter's pretty short, but I liked the stopping point. Thanks for the feedback/hits!**

_PP 35__th__ Turn, Late Autumn, Fort Weyr_

_It's time for Thread!_ Renath's words reverberated in S'wan's head. Groggily, he looked at the timepiece next to his bedside and realized that it was, in fact, time for thread. He hurriedly washed and dressed and Renath took him down to dining cavern for a quick breakfast. He looked around the cavern for a sign of T'pin, but his friend was not present. He did, however, find Telesa as she sat down to eat her meal.

"Are you nervous?" He asked shyly, unsuccessfully hiding his own nerves. However, excitement more than fear fueled his anxiety. Telesa shook her head. She, too, was over zealous for this day. They both tried not to gobble down their porridge too fast, lest they get a stomachache before Fall!

"You haven't seen T'pin this morning have you, Telesa?" She looked confused and he should have realized that by now the news would have spread through the Weyr.

"He wasn't with you?"

"Not since the afternoon, no." Telesa shrugged, not wanting to make much of the situation. As it were, both T'pin and S'wan were quite young and she didn't think it wise for them to rush into any more formal arrangement. Not that there were too many formalities in the Weyr. She herself had been in more than one rider's weyr and taken a couple short trips _between_. She'd have time for motherhood later, now she was to fight thread! Telesa looked down at her watch.

"C'mon, S'wan, we'd better go. I'm sure T'pin's already with his wing!" As they hurried out of the cavern, Telesa privately mused that it was most likely best that T'pin and S'wan were not in the same wing.

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As he mounted Renath, S'wan wondered if his father was to fly in this Fall. Jaxom normally did when Thread was over Ruatha. His face flushed from embarrassment, thinking of what his father's reaction would have been to yesterday's mating flight. He supposed Jaxom chose to not think of those situations, regardless of S'wan's partner. Which reminded him…

_Renath, is Amanath in position?_ No harm in checking.

_Yes. She will fly well today. Just as yesterday_ Renath added smugly, content with himself. At that, S'wan had to chuckle. Then it was time to fall into place. N'ton signaled and they went _between!_

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_How does my son fly, Ruth?_ Jaxom asked. He was proud of his son. He'd gotten over every ounce of his trepidation at the initial Impression. When Ruth had informed his weyrmate of the previous days mating flight, he felt nothing but happiness for his younger son.

_He and Renath fly very well. Don't worry, Jaxom._ Jaxom smiled. He had to admit that he did feel some relief about the fact that there less than 10 years left of Thread. His son would be a young man still when the menace finally retreated. Before he could think anymore, Ruth ducked a large clump that had been missed from above. His beautiful white dragon charred the clump before it tumbled all the way to land.

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S'wan and Renath found fighting Thread to be exhilarating! They were much faster and more agile than many of the other blues and able to get clumps that had been missed. The smell of firestone char was pleasant and a wonderful reminder of the good work they did. Somewhere down there was his mother, brother, and sister. He rather liked the idea of being able to protect them in a way that they never could do. Jarrol may have been better at many things, but it was he, S'wan, who rode the dragon! _You ride me very well_.

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_After Threadfall at Fort Weyr…_

As he dismounted Renath, and sent him to the lake for a bath, S'wan saw Telesa, who was in his wing, coming his way. She grabbed his forarm.

"We did it! No serious injuries! Wasn't that exciting!" He had never really seen Telesa this free before, "I grew up around fighting dragons, but watching and tending just can't compare! Didn't you find it _wonderful_?" She asked him.

"Oh yes! It felt so…right! Oh, here comes Lelaini! Lelaini!" He called after the tall girl. She hurried over to them, char marks all over her face. She giggled.

"I'm so relieved! It feels almost wrong to feel this giddy over Thread! My Darth was just fabulous! I hear Amanath flew well too," she smiled radiantly at S'wan. Lelaini and T'pin were in the same wing.

"I for one am happy that there are only ten years left of that stuff!" came T'pin's crackling tenor. S'wan smiled laughingly at his friend. Telesa and Lelaini laughed and found ways to excuse themselves. T'pin snorted.

"That could get annoying. It was one mating flight, you'd think those weyr girls would know better. Well, I'm starved. I'll see you later, S'wan." He smiled a good-bye to his friend. S'wan's heart sank a little. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but this was not it.

_Renath?_

He was there, but there was no answer.


	3. Fear of After

_PP 35__th__ Turn, early winter, Fort Weyr_

N'ton looked out over his wings, beautifully assembled for Fall. In some ways, N'ton adidn't envy these young dragonriders who would have so many years ahead of them, after Fall, after Thread was gone forever. N'ton was himself not an old man, and even though he knew it would be an adjustment, he'd have many years of fighting Thread under his belt—_he _would be ready to retire from the fight. These young riders would still be under the high of fighting. They were also the next generation, the generation that would _really_ have to start the post-Thread dragon life.

Lioth bugled and N'ton gave the signal to go _between_. One more Thread down, though N'ton as they blinked between.

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_Later that week…_

S'wan woke up far earlier than he intended. He hadn't slept well the last couple months. Nothing had been resolved between him and T'pin. Things hadn't changed as much as they _hadn't_ changed. T'pin was no less friendly with S'wan or less flirtatious than before the mating flight. Nor did T'pin ignore that the mating flight had occurred. But, he no longer sought out S'wan's company. However, Their dragons were quite attached now. S'wan couldn't read T'pin. He felt he'd made his feelings clear that afternoon of the flight. He'd thought those feelings were reciprocated. But, he certainly wasn't going to make a fool of himself if T'pin wasn't interested.

He'd talked to Telesa about it and she did not have much advice for him. She rarely spoke to T'pin away from S'wan. She was curious, though, because she had thought T'pin's feelings for S'wan were genuine. S'wan had wondered if maybe T'pin hadn't found the experience satisfactory. At that, Telesa snorted. Not likely, she had said, considering the dragon involvement.

_Talk to him. He is on your thoughts often. _

_Am I on his?_

_Amanath will not tell me._

S'wan sighed. He would need to deal with this on his own. He'd spent the last two months avoiding it, pretending as T'pin did that everything was normal and that their friendship was as easy as it'd ever been. Had it ever been easy? Looking back, he realized that his own ignorance of his own feelings had caused tension and most likely, pain, for both of them that S'wan wasn't even aware of. He desperately wanted to be back in the place he'd been that day of the flight. It wasn't only that he wanted to be back in T'pin's weyr—he did—but more importantly, he wanted to be a more important part of the greenrider's life. He wanted to be confided in, to be able to confide. In the couple months that he'd been fighting Thread, S'wan felt he'd aged years. He was no longer a lad of sixteen turns, but a _man_ of sixteen turns. He wanted the calming quiet strength that T'pin exuded to be his to come back to at the end of a long day.

_Sharra wants to know if you'd bring her to Landing._

_Can't Ruth do it?_

_If he could, would she ask?_

_I know that, Ren, but _why_ can't Ruth bring her?_

_Jaxom is busy. _

-------------------------------------

"Mother, what is so urgent?" S'wan asked as he ran into Ruatha. She had a disturbed look on her face and S'wan's heart leaped. He sensed something was wrong, but he couldn't tell how severe by her face. She explained as they mounted Renath.

"Your father's fine, Shawan," in her hurry she forgot to shorten her child's name to the honorific, "he just can't leave landing and neither can Ruth. The watchdragon is away on an errand. There have been reports from Honshu of irregular activity in the skies. We're not sure if it's anything serious, but we're holding an emergency council."

S'wan did not want to be an astronomer. He knew that many, many dragonriders would be taking on that career After. S'wan had no interest in the skies beyond his dragon and flying Thread. He knew that he should be spending his spare time between Falls figuring out just what he might do. He knew that he could most likely return to Ruatha and hold, but would that be enough? Most likely not. He'd need to find a craft.

When they came out from _between_, S'wan had difficulty finding a place to land. His mother asked him to stay, because she wasn't sure if she'd need him again. She offered for him to join her, but he much preferred staying outside. Well, that was something he knew at least.

He surveyed his surroundings. He saw the injured Golanth and a large green dragon that he supposed could only be his weyrmate. He'd heard all about the injury from his father when it happened; his father and F'lessan were old friends. He was amazed to see the dragon here, but realized that draconic dignity could overcome almost anything.

_Golanth does well _Renath remarked _Zaranth helps him. They work well together. _There was a tone in his dragon's voice that caused his rider to think that perhaps he was thinking of Amanath. It saddened him to think that dragon was as wistful as rider. Amanath and Renath still spent much time together, but S'wan knew there was a strain, as both riders had asked the dragons to keep certain things from each other.

_Sharra says we can leave. Nothing will be resolved tonight. _

_Take us back to Fort Weyr, then, Renath!_

------------------------------

S'wan was surprised to find T'pin in his weyr when Renath returned them to the ledge. His thoughts flew back to the night before Amanath's flight. This time, though, since Amanath was _not_ proddy, T'pin was much calmer.

"What are you doing in my weyr?" His tone was harsher than he intended. His nervousness affected him. He smiled apologetically to try to offset the tone.

"I need to explain myself. Amanath tells me that I've got you and Renath very upset. No, don't stop me. You know I care for you, S'wan. You have to know that. It's just, we're _so _young, S'wan."

"_Why_ does that matter?" S'wan's voice was shaking.

_Careful._ It was not Renath who spoke to S'wan.

"I'm not ready to settle down."

"I'm not asking you to!"

T'pin sighed, very frustrated with how things were going.

"Do you want other bedmates? Is that it?"

"No…"

"You're not making any sense. Please, give me a good reason," S'wan didn't even care that he was pleading now; he didn't mind his less than dignified tone.

"I'm afraid! S'wan, I'm afraid. We've still got a decade of Thread!"

I_t will be okay now_ spoke Amanath again. S'wan didn't need the dragon's encouragement. He didn't think anyone could have stopped him. T'pin was trembling, shaking with tears he couldn't let fall. S'wan felt an irrepressible need to wrap the greenrider in his arms. He knew that the greenrider needed him to. Before S'wan could fill all the space between them, T'pin collapsed into his arms. S'wan rocked him back and forth, trying to assure him that everything would be fine. In these times, these years of Thread, and then the uncertainty after, it was so important to have someone to talk to.

When T'pin had calmed down a bit, S'wan spoke again, "Look, T'pin, I will be whatever you want us to be. I just want it so you feel comfortable to talk to me! I want to be here for you, when you need me. Is that okay?"

T'pin laughed, wiping some tears from his eyes, "Yes."


End file.
